MY FEAR OF GROWING UP, MATURITY AND RESPONSIBILITY: AN ESSAY KIND OF RANT

A series of uncoordinated thoughts and unrelated pictures to give this letter life.

The thing with being self-aware is you realize how much you don’t know yourself – every single day.

I think it’s because we are constantly changing, and our conscious mind is too slow to keep up with the changes that we’re making, or maybe it’s too tired, or too bored.

I'm scared of growing up.

I'm scared that if I grow up and change into a person capable of achieving all I need to achieve, people won’t accept me anymore.

This fear is exacerbated by the fact that it feels like people aren’t accepting me now.

I’m also scared of growing up because I fear it will make me “not fun anymore.”

I want to be fun.

I remember that I’ve always had the childhood fear of being rejected. This is apparently a common fear, but every person – you and I – experiences it differently.

I thought I had gotten over this fear, but apparently, I haven’t.

The question is why am I scared of being rejected. I already know that not everybody will like me.

Intrinsically, I think it comes down to the fact that I want the people I like, admire and accept to like, admire and accept me too.

I don’t know if that makes sense.

My Childhood

I was not a popular kid. I don’t think I was. I differentiated myself a lot, and I was never concerned with the idea of trying to fit in.

I wasn’t made into an outcast though, in fact when people got to know me they found me amusing and interesting. I was easy to talk to, and in my own way, very funny.

I used to like that about myself. Now, it feels like that person is far away from the person I am now.

So, I guess in a way, I want to get back to being that person.

On Being Smart

I want to get back to being that Dave who is weird and fun and surprisingly very smart.

I say “surprisingly” because I always did my best to not appear smart as my first impression.

That’s not how it is anymore, intelligence cannot be toned down forever,

But I'm thinking now and I want you to engage in this thought process with me;

Do you realize how people don’t like other people who act ‘smart?’

It’s not that they don’t admire intelligence; they just don’t want to be reminded of their own lack.

This sentence isn’t enough to walk you through my thought process, allow me break it down a little further.

You probably don’t like people who act like they know everything.

That’s because those people are usually proud, pompous, always in their heads and never concerned with the feelings of others.

But it may even be more than that,

Why is it that most of the time, it is the smart kids who are the ones always bullied, left out and turned into outcasts?

Most of these intelligent kids were just trying to socialize by talking about the things they loved and were genuinely interested in – values we want everyone to have.

Yet they were mocked and rejected for it.

But here is where it even gets deeper:

When other kids see that intelligent kids are being bullied and cast out for being so smart, their thought process goes

Well I shouldn’t be smart either so that I'm not thrown out from the group and left alone. I don’t want to be lonely.

This is the way most people go on living their lives and hiding their full potential just so they can fit in.

They don’t try hard at the things they care about, some don’t even try at all – they do anything to remain a part of the group.

This brings me to this point:

Humans Are Social Animals.

You and I are social animals.

We need community to survive.

We need people to survive.

And while this doesn’t mean the same thing to everybody, we should accept that at our core, we need the presence of other human beings in order to thrive.

This is why in a way society is important.

People validate us when we can’t validate ourselves.

People accept us when we can't accept ourselves.

People see us.

They understand and love us.

They take us in for who we are, no matter how ugly, and we are happier because of it.

And that’s because we know they can be ugly too.

I think my fear of growing up and being rejected actually makes sense.

Because when you think about growing up, this is the thought process you get into (or at least I got into):

If I became a person who got what they wanted to get in a world where most people talk about their dreams and never put in the work to achieve them, would I be ostracized?

Would I be made into an outcast?

Would people think of me like they think of the heroes, the billionaires and role models we look up to on TV, but in reality never want to hang around?

Would they think of me as intimidating? Someone to stay away from before he gets angry at you for not doing the thing you know you should be doing.

I don’t know.

Maybe, I will.

Maybe I will find a new set of people.

But what if these ones don’t want me either?

These Fears Are Useless

A close friend once told me that if I continued to focus on how people are/would reject me, then I’ll get into a mental space where I exclude myself from groups and friendships, and then blame it on people for rejecting me.

She had a point.

Adulthood & Maturity

Adults aren’t fun people.

At least most of them aren’t.

And how can they be?

They’re consistently burdened with the responsibility of their selves, their loved ones, their jobs and what other personal obligation they work to fulfill.

It’s really hard to see these people happy.

Or maybe, they define happiness differently from the way we did when we were kids.

 I don’t know. It’s just a thought.

As a child you love your free time, games, friends, parties.

You become teenagers/young adults and you still love the same thing, but now you can add sex, drugs and alcohol into the mix.

The difference between childhood and maturity is responsibility.

And my god is responsibility scary.

Why?

Because it means we will change into people who aren’t fun.

And what are we scared of the most intrinsically?

Not being fun.

Self-Sabotage Behavior Stops Us from Growing Up

Self-sabotage is when we destroy the effort we put into achieving something with our own hands.

You can see it in relationships, friendships and money.

Think of a girl who finally gets into the relationship she’s always wanted acting in irrational ways that gets her kicked out of her relationship.

Or a gambling man betting all the money he just won – as high as millions of dollars – knowing subconsciously that he will lose it, and still never stops being a gambler.

Self-sabotage behavior is tied to things unconscious negative associations you may have.

What do I mean?

If you grow up thinking that all rich people are assholes and bad people, then you will always sabotage yourself when you have the opportunity to make big money because you have associated rich people with being bad people.

And you’ve resolved in your mind that you don’t want to be a bad person.

Another example could be if you were constantly excluded as a child, you would begin to think people hate you or come to you only when they want something.

This means that when someone wants to genuinely be your friend you won’t let them because you’ve made the negative association that people are your friends only when they want something.

And when somehow, by some miracle, someone stays to actually be your friend, you project your negative emotions unto them and soon they leave.

You prove yourself right, by acting in ways that make sure that you are right.

It’s a vicious cycle, difficult to break.

Re-defining Happiness

My point being, at my core, I associate adulthood and taking responsibility as a thing that’s not fun and that does not make you happy.

And guess what?

I want to be fucking happy man.

I want to be happy all day, every day, or at least, on most days.

And the thing is I find happiness in people. I find it in their laughter, in their love, in their solidarity.

If I'm going to be rejected by people, then I'm not going to be happy…

And if I'm not going to be happy, then I don’t want to fucking grow up.

I don’t care about carrying the responsibility of the world on my shoulders.

The world can burn for all I care, as long as I am happy.

This brings me to another thought.

Does this mean I have to re-define happiness?

When the people I love and care about are happy, I'm happy.

And when they’re not, I'm not.

That’s how it is most of the time.

And I'm sure, in a weird cycle kind of way, when I’m happy, they’re happy too.

So I suppose what I should be thinking of is making myself happy so that they, too, can be happy.

I know that I'm my best self when I'm happy and in a good mood.

This means that if I'm intrinsically happy, I can find ways to make them happy without losing my sense of self.

I can get them to open up to me, to talk to me.

I don’t know.

Ideally, it sounds legit.

In the end the question I still have to answer is what do I want for myself?

Figuring Life Out

Recently a cute girl with full lips made a statement in a judgmental kind of tone, she said, I already have my life figured out.

She made this claim because of my consistency in putting out these letters and my lack of fear on what I’ll do when I graduate.

It irked me a little bit, but I don’t blame her.

She, like I am, is scared of being an adult too.

She’s scared of carrying responsibility.

Hell, we all are.

Why do you think unhappy people are the ones with unplanned pregnancies and forced marriages?

They haven’t fully learned how to take care of themselves and now you're forcing them to take care of another human being?!

Don’t be ridiculous!

Anyway, that’s a story for another day.

My point is, young lady, if somehow you’re reading this, I haven’t had my life figured out yet.

I don’t know what I want from life yet.

I don’t know what I want for myself yet.

And when I figure that out, then maybe, just maybe, you can say that I have my life figured out.

I doubt it though; I’ve read a lot of things those successful people say.

And the most recurring thing they always confess is they’re trying to figure things out, every single day.

Maybe because they, too, are self-aware that they’re constantly changing, and their conscious mind is too slow to keep up with the changes that they’re making, or too tired, or too bored.

I don’t know yet,

What I do know is I’ll talk to you next week,

But until then,

Stay easy,

Dave.

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