2022: Gratitude, Effort, Celebrating Yourself & Friendship

One hell of a year

On my birthday Prince Onyeka told me, "I like how you celebrate yourself."

It was one of my best compliments of this year.

I replied, "😂 thank you bro."

But what I really wanted to say is, "I am still learning.".

That in a world where you are forced to carry your weight, your sin, your burden… it is only right that you learn how to carry your joy and carry it well.

If you no celebrate yourself how person go know to celebrate you?

And I say I am learning because asides words, social media statuses and maybe food, I do not know how to celebrate myself.

I am not versed in the practice of gifting myself things because for a very long time I did not know how to want things. In fact, I still don't know how to want things.

Whenever I want a thing it is because they serve a purpose.

A new shoe because these ones are old and I need to maintain my drip. 

A new phone because I have used this one for 5 years and it has served me well.

A semi-orthopaedic bed because mattresses that sink return my scoliosis. My body is a house of pain about to crumble in on itself, it is my job to keep it from doing so.

Sometimes I am shocked when people gift me things without my asking. Who told you to take care of me? Thank you for taking care of me.

I am a man without wants. For the longest time my only desire has been to keep my people happy.

And given they are still here, tolerating the entirety that is me, I like to think I am doing a good job in whatever way I can.

On Wanting and Getting Things 

While I am still learning and fine tuning my art of celebrating me, gifting me…

I will add that while I rarely want things, whenever I do, I mostly always get them.

And the few times I may have not, it's because the universe knew that they would not serve in my favour.

For example.

The only time I ever had the first position in an academic setting was because I wanted it.

And I wanted it to prove to a certain boy who had carried it for 2 years and 6 terms prior that he's not all that. 

Since then I have not wanted it, and I have not gotten it.

Think of me as the low-key god anime character that wants for nothing so does nothing.

Think of me as Ayanakoji but with a whelm of emotions that I do not understand.

There is also the fact that aiming so high demands a sacrifice I was unwilling to make at the time.

A grit I was not strong enough to maintain.

Life should be fun, and academia in Nigeria is not fun.

On Luck & Accomplishments

I am almost always self conscious whenever I talk of my accomplishments in a public place like this.

I feel a sort of shame and guilt that I should not have this. Who am I to do this when others have not? What are they going to think of me?

And I think where this emanates from is human jealousy. That people only want you to do well as long as you aren't doing better than they are.

And as long as you remain within the confines that they have created for you in their minds, you will never become an outcast.

There's also the Nigerian struggle. That whatever you have is not a direct result of your efforts but a blessing by God.

Case in point: in the excitement of ace-ing my project thesis defence I said to my father on a call, after he asked how it went, "trust me nau. Na me run am."

To which my mother instinctively replied, "it's God's doing. It is because of God that you succeeded today."

And she is right. A lot of God factor led to the success of my defence that day, for which I am grateful.

In fact, I will go on to openly admit that there is a lot of God factor in my general life success.

A lot of lucky accidents that make life continue to move in my general favour.

But I will also remind you that Luck is what happens when Preparation meets Opportunity.

And I'll be damned if anyone says I was not prepared for that day.

What I am trying to say is that there is a perverse thought in the Nigerian space that high accomplishments are never truly yours.

That any attempt at pride in your work is an attempt to displace God from his place. And I disagree.

God's ego is not so fragile that the celebration of my little win will flare up his insecurities and cause me to fail. In fact if he did not want me to celebrate, he would not have let me win in the first place. But he did, and so I am here.

But my mother has a point.

I have a tendency to celebrate my wins like I made it happen all by myself. I tend to forget that there are other powers at play – other factors, people – working together to move me forward.

And I will remember that now.

But it does not mean that I will let my name be expunged from my results, and my efforts washed away like they didn't happen. Mba nų. I will eat the fruits of my labour.

On Friendships and Sharing News

In the past 6 months I have learned who to share good news with. Who to share happiness with. People who will take your joy and not murk it with their own misery

People who will maintain energy.

People who will say I knew you could do it and I'm proud to see you do it.

People who will acknowledge that my efforts, for the naught it is in the expanse of time, are not futile.

These are the people I tell my wins.

My prayer is that I am also a safe space for them to share their wins as well.

And sometimes I think about that a lot. Am I really a safe space?

The friends I lost this year were a core part of my  being.

They were the people I trusted. They were my safe space.

I won't play victim and pretend I did not have a hand in our ending. But the thing is I did not expect us to end. Or for our ending to be so drastic.

We mourn the heartbreak of romantic relationships publically like it is the worst thing that could happen. In fact we expect it to happen.

But what do you do when your own friend serves you breakfast?

What do you do when you see a meme that reminds you of them and then remember you're not allowed to call them anymore?

What do you do when you're rewatching Euphoria (or any tv show) and realize that only reason you started the show was because of them and now it doesn't feel as good?

Friendship breakups are a visceral, gut-wrenching experience. And when they happen you become undone. I am undone.

On Conquering 2022

This year I wanted 3 things: 

• To single handedly provide for my basic needs 2 times over and then some.

• To have a consistent work-out schedule so that I feel and look good naked.

• To learn the igbo language and speak it like my tongue was dipped in blue-band; smooth.

11 months later I pulled 2 out of 3. Not perfectly, but I pulled them still.

The igbo language is still far from my tongue and comprehension but a win is a win. There's always next year.

Gratitude & Conclusion

There is pride in my bloodline.

We are not a people to deny that if we wanted to turn dust to gold, we would. We only need to want it.

This pride – this confidence – is one I do not want to shy away from. It's one that I will never be guilty of.

I refuse to make myself small to accommodate the egos of people who refuse to trust in themselves.

So if you call me rich kid I will answer, yes.

If you call me Odogwu, I will say, "m na eme doings."

Because I am doing. I have done more in this year than I have done in my entire life. 

And as I dey work, e dey show. No matter how long it takes, e go show.

Compared to my ultimate self however, I am still far too weak.

But time is the bridge between the version of me now and the version I want to be. And I will cross that bridge. 

I am grateful to the universe, to God, for bringing me this far. I know you intend to take me farther.

I am grateful to myself for pushing back against the pain, mental shackles and suffering just to get here.

I am grateful to my parents for being.

I am grateful to my sisters for being my bedrock. 

And I'm grateful to my wives for being there for me in more ways than one. 

Especially you Nke'm. I am grateful for you.

In the end, it's never just singular effort that pushes you forward.

You need different kinds of support from different kinds of people just to make any difference.

So to my friends reading this, in one way or another you've contributed to my progress, and therefore I am grateful for you too.

The things to do still plenty sha, but we go run am. Abi no be we again?

Until then,

LET'S FUCKING GO!

Dave.

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